👣

Staring at the nothingness between your legs

Following your footsteps in the woods of gradations

You said words to pin me down

To the basement of our houses

With gastric juice and slaver 

In scars and thinner blood

But that space as you walk and run

Do never change

And the air wearing your scent

Still warm 

As I follow your footsteps 

Take me down

I’ve been staring up the sky

Wondering “will I ever be up there”

And I’ve been staring up the sky so long

All my blood is in my head now

So I started running up the stairs

Each step took long to land

I climbed up with hand and my feet

Wondering if I will ever be up there

Now I’m on my rooftop, the best place in my precious world 

It’s earth I saw

Through the lights in the boxes

It’s life I heard

Through the wind that brought me of joy 

I opened my eyes and felt my cheek pink

My world smiled at me and so did I 

I saw a swing and smiled again

Walked slowly but arrived quickly 

I sat and looked behind my head

There’s nothing I need to lose

So I looked up for search and never looked down

My hands cold

I started swinging reaching the stars

The one that’s away from all of the others

Found it.

I swung higher, higher, and higher

I let go my hands

I went up

Now I really don’t have nothing to lose

Maybe I do but I shouldn’t, care

I went higher and higher and higher and higher

That little star that’s always away from the others 

It’s reaching hands to me

She doesn’t have to be alone anymore 

I’m swimming in the air, still going up

I can’t go back

Somebody take me down

breathe... out

as an autumn wind 

pierces through my tattered body

with a contorted knife,

into the dark azure gashes

permeating pains

in the Shower

how many times, have i put a stein of shampoo on my hand tonight?

i used to dream nightmares

but now i don’t 

my dream is starting to become a part of neverending reality

i can’t tell the difference anymore

people want to have strong opinions 

you’re amazing

you did a great job

you’re not enough

you need some improvement

you’re not getting the point

you’re wrong

and once you realize she’s patting your back while you stream your thick tears out

because that’s what she thinks i expect her to do

and once you realize everyone’s living for themselves and see their lies to cover that up

their voices become a proof of the system’s existence 

meaningless

you start to feel invisible

i can’t make sense of myself anymore

my purpose is fading 

everyone’s trying to make sense of themselves and i

am seeing everything falling apart in the reflection of my eyes 

and my eyes are reflecting the world

i covered my face with a thick layer of soap and bailed my face into the stream of hot water

i wonder will this ever come off 

before i am able to breathe again

Will anyone ever notice

if i stopped breathing here?

i am tired of hearing those voices

i am tired of knowing people still believe in grades

i am tired of hearing those voices telling me to do something i don’t want to

i am tired of judgments and criticisms

i am tired of hearing complements

i am tired of pretending to be happy

i am not happy

stop looking at me

i found myself in the bathtub sinking

felt my heart shrinking

looking through the layer of warm water to my half-dead body

i wondered will it ever look sexy 

wondered would anyone ever love me like in the movies

i’d rather stay here sinking and floating

than getting up and feeling 

my stone heavy body

i went into my bed

hoping to dream my nightmares again 

I was meeting a friend

I was meeting a friend, when she wet his hand

There was a hole on his face——when he left

Deep in nothing, black inside

White bed wet and darkened 

It was simply, the absence—

That made all of us 

Noiseless scream

And smile

They wet his skin;

I met my friend;

They dreamt on his chest;

I stared in the dark;

They wined his lips;

I left my juice and room unfinished;

But she, cried out the alcohol 

Said she wanted to bring him home—-

But it was just a body

She, breathing out her tears

Said she wanted to kiss him——

But it was just a body

Loud voices and drums and tears,

Flowers and flowers and glossy chairs.

They turned today into a show 

A show, to say goodbye

To start living tomorrow, again

They rolled his body the hundredth time; to make the prop look alive 

Leave him be, I cried in silence,

please

But false griefs weren’t noticed 

With true agony we have mixed 

They had left his bones in the end

Kept mourning instead 

i be

can’t remember the last time i took my pills

can’t read the time 

can’t feel the words

only stones in my head

rolling down

dragging brain

coffee is making me sleepy and milk is making me awake

can’t read my words my thoughts

only body falling apart

fading smoke

ringing light

i be i be i be i be

i low i low i low 

jet lag

pa

ins

h

arn 

e

ss 

i don't like you

i don’t like you
i don’t 
you interpreted everything I say 
as i love you
but that’s not true
i do love you
but not like that
i don’t know
it’s not
i don’t think we should be partners
but we should
i just need someone to be there for me
and it didn’t have to be you
but for you
it had to be me
i’m sorry
i don’t think we should be together forever 
but for now
let us enjoy the sunsets and sunrises
rainy nights without an umbrella 
and sweet kisses in the park


and let’s not go anywhere

Paper doll

I can’t breathe

Why am I 

Standing in the middle of notime?

I can’t open my eyes

And all I see is white instead of black

What is this taste? 

Paper?

I can’t throw up

And my throat is dried up 

Why are my hands getting crumpled?

My face too

I hear footsteps 

“Who’s behind me?” I called,

“No one. It’s just you” somebody replied.

Nothing feels real,

Nothing feels real,

Nothing

Drinking air like breathing tasteless water-

Crying alone in public,

Hiding 

When no one knows i exist.

The endless echoes of clinking and chattering-

Am i talking to myself

Or talking to my broken friends?

You are not here

Whoever you are

And yet i’m waiting

The room is shrinking

My memory of reality feels real

Than the present time, i’m sitting in

I wish i could stay inside.

Come on in, come on in

Don’t be scared

You won’t feel anything stirred.

Handling myself

I’m all over my space

Floating from waste up

Spinning down and up

Papering through my windows to the world

Where blue sunsets still blurred 

In My Dream Last Night

Why am I here again?

I don’t know this place, 

In the middle of telepathy

No one with empathy

So many things have taken place

And I’m supposed to be in a different place

Biting and peeling my nails

‘Cause my heart has stopped breathing, thinning

You don’t know me,

Because I don’t know you

But you look at me with a 

Cold knife molded with boiling water

I’ve killed people here

I’ve been a devil

I’ve been an angel

I’ve been a girl

I’ve been myself

But you still look at me like I’m not any of those

I can’t take it anymore

Can somebody wake me up?

the last breath of summer

the devil is squeezing my heart

my eyes are constantly closing

this is the 60th sigh of today

tiredness bore me and my body

nothing’s good enough

people are smiling

he’s talking and I’m swinging

listening to music on my own

ironically the one you picked for me

talk is overrated but not really

you just need the right one

I’m constantly judging 

and cringing 

everything

tiredness bore me

and so does creativity

I have got no silence

is it

is it because of the lights 

or the sunset behind the dull clouds

that’s making shadows in the back of my neck under the moonlight

sitting alone with voices and burps

twisting my stomach in an unusual way

is it midnight yet

can’t wait to wake up

Can't you see

Can’t you see

It’s always the same trick

Same pattern 

Same ending 

And the same beginning 

How did I get here?

how did i get here?

not responding to the most humane people 

believing everyone’s dangerous

winking back to cat-callings

not picking up trash

hating on dogs and babies

when they’re not the problem 

Shut the fuck up

You don’t mean it

Y’all never mean to

But those words 

And those hands

Those arms

Are squeezing my brain and its freedom 

Not even little by little

Every Single Time

So just shut the fuck up

And let me think on my own

About my sexuality 

dear my yesterday self

dear my yesterday self

why are you smiling?

dear my yesterday self

are you eating fine?

dear my yesterday self

it’s good that you’re not feeling alone

dear my yesterday self 

keep your bandage in your wallet

dear my yesterday self 

try your best to act for somebody else

dear my yesterday self

don’t feel too happy

dear my yesterday self

don’t feel too sad

dear my yesterday self

if you’re smiling, don’t stop smiling

because you won’t know how to smile tomorrow 

and you will feel what i feel 

so please my yesterday self

for fucks sake

smile, smile, and don’t think about tomorrow

eat well and dream bad

and enjoy the downhill